ME...AGAIN.....

 

I haven't blogged in quite awhile. At least not on paper....I have created many blogs in my head. Sometimes it's just hard to come to the conclusion whether or not I wanna put it on paper and share it to the world. 

Lately I've been going through something. Not sure I'll even put the right words on it. It's more of a silent battle. I know there's others out there that feel the same way.  If I put it out there, maybe it will help someone to know they aren't alone. 

I've been walking for St. Jude Children's Hospital. My goal is 60 miles for November. I'm over halfway there, and I far exceeded the donations I ever thought I'd raise. People are so good and kind. As I walk my mind goes in so many directions. Millie and I walk, and walk. Sometimes she goes to the steps hoping I'm done, but then I'll go around the course again. I keep going because I'm doing it for all the Thomas's out there. So many families are struggling. I pray all the time for the parent's going through the nightmare I survived, but he didn't. My nightmare is ongoing, but I manage to keep going day after day. 

I know I've been "offending" some people lately. Maybe offending isn't the right word. I am in a real private stage of my thoughts. It's nothing anyone or anything has done. It's me. I do my best self improvement and mental stability by myself. I love being alone. I love being alone with my music and my thoughts. This is a glimpse of what's been going through my mind.

I try to imagine, what would Thomas be doing right now? He'd be 28! Say that again.......28 years old! He's been gone for 21+ years. How is that possible? I still lay my head on his pillowcase. I still have his favorite "Stinky" skunk next to me at night. How has this much time went by? 

Would we have the family dynamic that we have if we hadn't gone through this? Meg, Noah and I recently sat down and had a really good, deep talk. One positive thing of all the trauma was how close it made my children and I. We have this unspoken knowledge of each other. It's nothing I can explain. They get it, and that's all that matters. I love it. They respect me, and get when I'm off and need space. Very few people understand that. I'm so fortunate for my kids and their love for me. I will never be alone. I have a great family, husband, kids and grandkids. 

Am I doing what I'm suppose to be doing? I'm exhausted most days. Not because I'm working so hard, but because I'm working so hard to make sure everyone else is happy. As Jess says, its my love language. I take care of people. I enjoy taking care of people. But to be honest, some days I'm really peopled out. That's where the "offending people" comes in. I don't like talking much. I have my little group of people that THANK GOD are always there for me, no matter what mood I'm in. I just wish more people understood my need for silence. Like the breakup of relationships where the person says, its me, not you. It really is me. I've been in touch with a few other Mom's that have lost children, and they feel the exact same way. This is part of the pain, part of the repercussions of losing a child. You NEVER recover. You just exist and put that fake smile on when you need to. Some days I really don't want any communication with anyone except my husband. Why isn't that something I can say and be understood? I'm not depressed, I'm happy in the way that only I can be. My son died in my arms, that changed me. That is who I am. I'm a very deep person. 

I cannot tell you how many people have said I should write a book. What holds me back is privacy. If I ever wrote a book I'd have to be prepared to be transparent. There are people I need to respect, and privacy comes with that respect. So until I can do that, I can't write a book. Instead I'll give these little glimpses of life after losing a child, from my perspective. 

I'm sure this isn't something I haven't written about before. But it goes to show you that it's always present in my life. It is who Kim is. Until the day I close my eyes and take my last breathe,  you'll be hearing about how losing Thomas changed me. I'm sorry I'm emotionally removed from certain things I should be involved in, but my tank is full. 

YOU PICKED THE WRONG PERSON TO MESS WITH

 It's been awhile since I've put my words on paper. I think I start every blog with that

sentence! My mind is full. Full of questions about why. Full of questions about how. 

I'm well aware about how messed up our world is. Please don't think I'm not aware of that.

I pray about our country, our world, and how sad it is what's going on across the world.

It's hard to talk about your life with all that is going on without feeling guilty. 

I hate feeling like that.

I'm sure somebody will criticize me for being selfish. How could I possibly complain 

at a time like this? I don't know, you tell me? Are we not suppose to cry on the bathroom 

floor? Are we just suppose to just smile all the time because everything is perfect? 

Just pretend our life is perfect?

Well that's not always that easy. Life is complicated, even when the world is falling

apart, in my little world. 

I've been through things that have changed how I deal with problems. I've taught my kids to always 

 kill with kindness. Yet here I am faced with a situation where 

I am angry. I don't want to be kind! I want to spit fire and give back the hate, unkind,

hurtful feelings they are putting upon me. The lessons I taught my own children are 

hard to follow when I am being treated unjustly. Its hard to follow your own rules when

you are being judged and treated in a way that is totally uncalled for. 

Something that has NOTHING to do with me is being directed in my

direction because small minded jealous people have nothing better to do

then spew hate. So how does a Christian deal with other so called Christians in this situation?

It's a tough one. I continue to pray for their conscience. I know they have to look at themselves 

in the mirror when they are alone and know how pathetic they really are. The Lord knows their behavior. 

The ironic part of it is, the people they're spending time with now, is the ones they were speaking badly about to me before they turned on me. So be careful small minded ones, your time will come when the tides will turn. Your selfish behavior, your rudeness, your lies, and your deceit, will catch with you. I will continue to treat you with kindness as my parents, and my bible have taught me. As hard as it may be, I will continue to do that. But know this, under my breath, I'm angry with you. 

The cost of politics

The Cost of Politics 

Now that the election is over, I'm going to take a look at what cost it had on me personally.

I laid in bed this morning, thinking of how I've been affected by the last 9 months. What triggered this feeling was a post I saw yesterday on Facebook. It said, if you're reading this post, congratulations, we made it through, and are still friends. Think about that.....we are still friends. How many people actually lost a friend over this? I think a lot. But here's my story.

The past 9 months have made me reclusive, reserved, angry, lonely, less put together, more stressed out, less active, standoffish, quiet, and lastly, one friend less. Politics. She chose politics over a 50+ year friendship. It all happened in the beginning of this mess. All over a post on Facebook that she didn't agree with. It wasn't even my comment. It was a comment made on my post. I have talked with that person who made that comment, and basically, thanked her. She made me see from a different lens why losing that friendship was for the best. 

Fifty years. That's a long time. That's a lot of secrets, a lot of memories, and a lot of my past that has now been erased and wiped clean. I have such an array of friends. I have democrat friends, republican friends, black friends, white friends, gay friends, christian friends, atheist friends, and I can honestly say, not many enemies at all. Would I give up any of those friendships because they thought differently than me? No. Why? Because I truly think that the Lord put every single one of those people in my life for a reason, and dropping them like a piece of nothing would not be the Godly thing to do. I adore my friendships. Now, more than ever, I treasure each and every one of them. 

When I woke up the morning the morning of the "loss" (that's what I'll call it), I was completely shocked. I mean, seriously, shocked. I remained in shock for quite a while over it. I cried. A lot! It was probably one of the few, biggest losses, I've ever experienced. This was my chosen sister. I have no sister, yet she was the one who I truly thought was my sister. I have mourned the loss of her, of her family, and of all the memories we shared. When I say her family, because on top of her "deleting and blocking me" on Facebook, and on the phone,  she had family members delete and block me as well. I texted her because I thought it had to be a mistake. I'm keeping the last text I sent to her on my phone. I want to be reminded of how I felt on that horrible day. This is word for word the last contact I've had with her. 

I am shocked! Absolutely shocked and devastated that I am being treated like this from you for a comment someone else made on my post! Shocked!!! I have no words. Utterly shocked.

Apparently my sense of humor wasn't acceptable to her. My sense of humor is what makes me. My sense of humor has gotten me through the worst of times. My sense of humor has kept me afloat. My sense of humor is appreciated by most of my people. This is me. This is who I am. I'm not going to change how I act in front of anyone. You get what you see. 

So that's as far as I'm going. Like I said, I've mourned this long enough. I wanted to put on paper how this personally affected me. This was the cost of politics to me personally. 

The world problems are not over. The corona virus, the mask debate, and even the Trump/Biden war isn't over. I'm not going to change my beliefs, my opinions, or my sense of humor. I'm also not going to drop any of my friends or family over it. I'd like to think I'm a better person than that. Because when it's all over, what will really matter? Our relationships. Thank you for being a friend. 

 

Quarantine Reality

So......its been a month now that we've been under this "safe-at-home" or "stay-at-home" ruling.....how are you really doing? I feel for the parents that get no break......yeah, I said it......parents need a break. I'm starting to really feel the mental ramifications of it. You don't realize how just a few hours out with your spouse, or a few hours out to Marshall's really stabilizes your sanity.

It's Friday night and I have this thing that I don't cook on weekends....well, except during planting and harvest time.....its planting season. I'm sitting home alone waiting again for Mac to get home. You'd think after 25 years of this I'd be okay with it....but it still sucks. And to be honest, I hate even saying that....I have people I care about that have lost their husband or wife.....so why do I kimplain?

Everything is so politically correct that one is afraid to say anything. But then I remember that this is my blog and I can say whatever I want......this is just my simple reality. I'm tired of all of this. I'm tired of not being able to go out for a pizza and glass of wine with my husband. I'm tired of not being able to go to a grocery store without feeling guilty for saying hi or walking too close to friends.

I can't have a normal baby shower for Jessica's first baby. I can't even go to the hospital when she has her baby.....if this is still in place when he decides to come into this crazy world. I have friends and relatives that have to sit in a parking lot while their loved ones have procedures done, or tests that are life threatening. It's just too much.

I just want you to know, I'm always thinking of YOU. I'm always thinking of others and how it affects them. I do that so often I forget to think about myself. Is that the correct thing to do, or are we so focused on this self love logic that I'm supposed to put myself first? I don't know how to feel. I don't know how to NOT offend people when I say no, I can't. It's not in my DNA. I've always put others first....and I'm to the point that its caught up to me. I ended up with Shingles, and I've been dealing with migraines...is this from stress? I don't know. What I do know is this......we're all in this. We all have issues. We all have misfortunes. We all have hardships. No one is immune from this pandemic.  I just want it over. Some have it worse than others, I know that. I'm not discrediting anyone, or any profession. Just don't get caught up in the "you're fine cause you're not doing what someone else is doing'....we're all wired differently, and we all deal with stress and high pressure situations in our own way. I'm tired. Don't take it personal if I'm just not "me"......this is just how I'm dealing.

So hang in there. Hopefully this will all be over soon. Love you~

Another Loss....

When I'm sad, or feeling overwhelmed I write. Usually I write in one of my many journals, but sometimes I get brave and write for you, on my infrequent blog.

This morning the unexpected happened....we lost our sweet little dachshund Bella. We had no warning really. Yesterday she was acting a bit slow and didn't wanna play much. As she laid next to my bed last night I woke about 10:30 to hear her making that dreadful "vomiting noise"......every dog owner knows that sound. It's awful, especially when you're in a dead sleep. Anyway, I got up and saw she had vomited a very small amount and took her outside for a pee. She walked outside, went pee, ran up the steps and came in acting "off". When Bella is ill, I always put her in her crate next to my bed to avoid vomit/and or diarrhea on my carpet....She doesn't mind the crate when its right next to my bed and went back to sleep. I awoke this morning about 5:45 hearing a small little whimper. I opened the crate to let her out to go potty. She couldn't get up. I picked her up out of the crate and Bella couldn't stand or lift her head. I carried her downstairs yelling for Noah to get up. 
We called Mac home from work and observed her for a bit in the living room. She was unable to stand, and seemed almost in a trance. I contacted the vet clinic and we drove there immediately hoping someone would be there when we arrived. 
After one look at her, the vet believed that she was dying, before our eyes. Within the last 24 hours, Bella's little body was internally bleeding from what they think was a tumor that was attached to her spleen. The vet believed cancer was the cause of this. There was nothing we could do. 
How long did she have cancer? We'll never know. But I do know she loved us to the very last few hours of her life, giving us no heartache of ever having to watch her suffer. 

Suffering is no stranger to me. I've had losses much bigger than this. Losing a child is a completely different loss, and I don't want to be told it is the same. It's not. 
But pets are something that we can always rely on to love us, no matter what is going on in our life. Bella loved us so much. She was spoiled as much as any dog could be. She was my little sidekick for almost 12 years. My heart is aching today.....and it will continue to ache, for a very long time. 

This time of year is always hard on me. Next month marks the nineteenth anniversary of my sweet boy Thomas's death from brain cancer....I don't need to write about that, because you all know that horrible story. That's another blog. 

So what's this blog about? I don't know. I suppose it was tell you how I'm feeling after losing my dearest Bella. I wanted to thank all of you that have expressed sympathy and kind words to us. Saint Patrick's Day will never be looked at the same. 

On a lighter note, Mac's not making me make the dreaded Corned Beef and Cabbage meal today. I really dislike making it....

RETIREMENT BEGINS.....

I just got home from driving Noah to school. No big deal, right? WRONG! As he got out of the car I started bawling. Literally.....bawling. That was the last time I'll be driving my kids to school. Yes, there will be times in the next Junior and Senior year he'll bum a ride from me.....but, the last time before he NEEDS me to drive him to school. He will be driving himself. You may think this is no big deal, but listen....I've been driving my kids to school, mostly private schools, that are quite a distance away, for 25 YEARS!

I am feeling loss. Loss of all those wonderful conversations, laughs, tears, praying, bible verse learning, test quizzing, and singing. It is finished. Twenty-five years.....can you imagine? Some might be relieved....accomplished, but not me. I'm literally sad. I've spent so many years and hours in my car with my kids....that honestly, a lot of our best memories are in a car.

We've traveled to Fort Atkinson, Mukwonago, Nashotah, Hartland, and lastly Palmyra. From that first day till now, I've cherished it all. I've complained a lot, but I've cherished a lot. Here's some of my most memorable ones.....and trust me, there's lots more, but here's the few that come to my mind immediately.

Noah was going to LCCA in Nashotah. I was crying because the song, He's My Son, came on the radio. I told Noah I was sad because it made me think of losing Thomas, and I proceeded to tell him stories about Thomas and how losing him has completely changed me. He started tearing up and I thought I finally got his little soul to understand the gravity of loss. He said, I know exactly how you feel mama, its like when I lost Derby! Yes, losing our pets is horrible, and to his little mind, it was the only loss he'd every experienced.....but I was like........oh Noah, you have no idea.

Getting pulled over in Dousman because I was speeding. Noah and I were coming home from his Christian school, where I also worked as a Kindergarten aide, and the cop felt sorry for me because I had such a great driving record and changed it to squealing tires because it would be less points (something about a moving violation)....and I told him I couldn't have my name in the paper for squealing tires because I worked at the Christian school! It was funny at the time....

Driving with my girls to Fort Atkinson and throwing a banana out the window, just to see if the peel was still there the following day. Driving with the windows down in the freezing weather with the heat on high pretending we lived in Florida. Singing as loud as we could to songs that were probably not the most appropriate, while sending them into the little Christian schools. Driving in weather that made me cry, on roads that were terrible. Playing the "give me the "high and low" of your day game.

Driving the girls to school while Thomas was going through chemo, having to stop FAST so he could puke out the door instead of in the bucket we carried all the time so it wouldn't smell like puke in the car. Driving home and Jess decided she needed to puke, and proceeded to puke out the window while managing to get puke all down the window seal so every time I rolled the window up or down, there was remnants of her....(I still to this day can't figure out how she did that and Thomas never got puke in my car)....

Rushing home from school in Fort Atkinson so Meg could milk cows at age 10! Mac taking the kids to school while towing Sean and the kids couldn't understand why Uncle Sean was following them to school so closely. Dropping Noah off for his 1st day of 1st grade and then driving up to Green Bay to take Meg to her first year of college!

I cannot tell you how many bible verses and spelling words we practiced in the car. I hope all the kids I carpooled remember they got those A's from all the help I gave them in the car! lol

So as you're driving your kids to school, remember, you're making memories....cherish it. It goes so fast, and then they won't need you as much. You will miss this. I already do.

What's Your Coffee Cup Telling You?

Time for me to write another heart felt blog...I have battled in my head for days whether to post it or not, but writing always makes me feel a bit better, and I do appreciate the feedback from my listeners, so here ya go.......another raw "me  moment".

Two things came to my mind as I looked down at my coffee cup this morning. 

1) Is it half empty? Or, is it half full?
2) Then there's the lipstick on the rim.

Sounds strange, but I had this analogy from that one image. I've fallen into a slump, and I'm trying to dig my way out. I know it's all about how I look at things, optimistically, or to be pessimistic. Each day, or lately, each hour, I have to consciously make that choice. 
April sucks for me. This is the month my 6 year old Thomas died in my arms, from brain cancer in 2001. 
My slump of April started before this, but this will only compound my heavy heart. 

Now look at the lipstick analogy on the rim of my coffee cup. This reminded me that I still got it. I actually put lipstick on this morning, that's a positive, self realization,  that I care for myself. 
With all that said, remember we're worth it. Sometimes things aren't perfect, and things can be really hard and take longer to work through. 

My doctor told me over a year ago, if you're hiding grief in there, it's gonna find a way to seep out. I've tried to ignore it for so long, and it makes me feel weak to admit it. I'm always the strong one, at least that's what I've made everyone around me to believe. 

As Moms and Dad, when you lose a child and have other children, you gotta be the strong one, gotta keep holding it all together to keep the children you have left in your care, safe, cared for, nurtured, and loved. Then, one day you find yourself in a big old dose of reality. You've raised those kids, they're okay, they are healthy, strong, good, God fearing people. Then, you see that they're good, but you are not. 
The cliche' of, "it gets easier"  isn't always the truth. Your health, physically and mentally has taken a beating from the inside, and now the scars are too big to keep safe tucked away. They start showing. The grief takes on false identities....such as physical pain, sleeplessness, anger, irritability, sadness.....all things that are trying to mask what is really wrong. 
I recognize it now. I think I always did. My problem is/was, I'm strong enough to do this alone, or, it'll pass. 

So, if you're feeling grief from a loss, don't be afraid to admit it. Don't wait 18 years to realize it's okay. I'm fortunate to have a well grounded support system around me. After all, I raised these kids........😉....