This past week, I've learned of two children passing away that I didn't know, but knew from third party acquaintances. When the news hit me, it brought back tons of emotions for me. Just knowing what these parents are going through makes my soul cry for them. These families will never be the same. Let me tell you a little bit of what losing a child has done to me personally. Maybe if you have friends or family that have went through this, it will help you understand where they're coming from, and help you when it comes to reading their emotions a little better.
I often times find myself thinking on the negative side of what can happen, before thinking of the positive side. After losing Thomas, now with my other kids I'm very over-protective. If the kids are not at home, they've for sure been in an accident, or worse, in my mind. I'm a bit over-protective, somewhat psycho, as they would say, lol. You can ask them, it's true. I will never change, no matter how old they are. I specifically remember having this conversation with Mac. I told him, I figured it out why I'm like this....you can't tell me to change and say, everything will be fine, because in my experience, everything wasn't fine. I know from Thomas, things didn't work out as planned. So you can't tell me it's gonna be okay. I'm the percentage of people that proved things can go wrong. I'm an over-protective mother, and my mindset will not be reprogrammed. I'm the same way with Mac. I always expect the worse is going to happen. I'm a worrier.
Most days I'm very happy and content just being by myself. I love my family, I love the life the Lord has given me, but inside I'm always thinking of where my life would be if my son was still here with us. I look at kids that would be his age and daydream about him. Sometimes it just easier just living in my own little bubble. Just because I'm not smiling all the time doesn't mean I'm not happy, I just exist in a world that is sometimes different than yours. Look at your child next to you, now imagine him or her being plucked away from you after battling a horrible disease for 4 years? Would you smile all the time? Would you be the same person you are today? Imagine looking at every room in your home as you walk through it every single day knowing that child used to be there, but never will again. Strange isn't it?
I'm not crazy, I'm just part of group many of you will never be in, and I hope you never will be. You will never know what this feels like.
I just felt like telling this story today because of the two families I heard about this week. I'm praying about them constantly, I pray that God envelopes them in a peace that comforts them beyond all measure. I also pray that their families will somehow understand the silence that their souls will now take on, and not take it personally, because they're now part of this private club.
