I haven't blogged in quite awhile. At least not on paper....I have created many blogs in my head. Sometimes it's just hard to come to the conclusion whether or not I wanna put it on paper and share it to the world.
Lately I've been going through something. Not sure I'll even put the right words on it. It's more of a silent battle. I know there's others out there that feel the same way. If I put it out there, maybe it will help someone to know they aren't alone.
I've been walking for St. Jude Children's Hospital. My goal is 60 miles for November. I'm over halfway there, and I far exceeded the donations I ever thought I'd raise. People are so good and kind. As I walk my mind goes in so many directions. Millie and I walk, and walk. Sometimes she goes to the steps hoping I'm done, but then I'll go around the course again. I keep going because I'm doing it for all the Thomas's out there. So many families are struggling. I pray all the time for the parent's going through the nightmare I survived, but he didn't. My nightmare is ongoing, but I manage to keep going day after day.
I know I've been "offending" some people lately. Maybe offending isn't the right word. I am in a real private stage of my thoughts. It's nothing anyone or anything has done. It's me. I do my best self improvement and mental stability by myself. I love being alone. I love being alone with my music and my thoughts. This is a glimpse of what's been going through my mind.
I try to imagine, what would Thomas be doing right now? He'd be 28! Say that again.......28 years old! He's been gone for 21+ years. How is that possible? I still lay my head on his pillowcase. I still have his favorite "Stinky" skunk next to me at night. How has this much time went by?
Would we have the family dynamic that we have if we hadn't gone through this? Meg, Noah and I recently sat down and had a really good, deep talk. One positive thing of all the trauma was how close it made my children and I. We have this unspoken knowledge of each other. It's nothing I can explain. They get it, and that's all that matters. I love it. They respect me, and get when I'm off and need space. Very few people understand that. I'm so fortunate for my kids and their love for me. I will never be alone. I have a great family, husband, kids and grandkids.
Am I doing what I'm suppose to be doing? I'm exhausted most days. Not because I'm working so hard, but because I'm working so hard to make sure everyone else is happy. As Jess says, its my love language. I take care of people. I enjoy taking care of people. But to be honest, some days I'm really peopled out. That's where the "offending people" comes in. I don't like talking much. I have my little group of people that THANK GOD are always there for me, no matter what mood I'm in. I just wish more people understood my need for silence. Like the breakup of relationships where the person says, its me, not you. It really is me. I've been in touch with a few other Mom's that have lost children, and they feel the exact same way. This is part of the pain, part of the repercussions of losing a child. You NEVER recover. You just exist and put that fake smile on when you need to. Some days I really don't want any communication with anyone except my husband. Why isn't that something I can say and be understood? I'm not depressed, I'm happy in the way that only I can be. My son died in my arms, that changed me. That is who I am. I'm a very deep person.
I cannot tell you how many people have said I should write a book. What holds me back is privacy. If I ever wrote a book I'd have to be prepared to be transparent. There are people I need to respect, and privacy comes with that respect. So until I can do that, I can't write a book. Instead I'll give these little glimpses of life after losing a child, from my perspective.
I'm sure this isn't something I haven't written about before. But it goes to show you that it's always present in my life. It is who Kim is. Until the day I close my eyes and take my last breathe, you'll be hearing about how losing Thomas changed me. I'm sorry I'm emotionally removed from certain things I should be involved in, but my tank is full.
