Yikes.....its personal

My last blog was in February. WOW. Don't think I haven't had things to say.....I have, plenty of times. Why does life have to be so busy? It seems, even to me, a stay at home mom, without a job outside of the home, I still don't find enough time in the day to do everything that needs to be done.

I always say I only write when something takes over my brain and makes me spill it out. This time, the subject is quite widespread in today's society. Anxiety. This is a tough one to write about because no one wants to admit they have a "mental illness". Anxiety can be crippling. It can take over your day, your week, your year, your life. This is very personal.

I've been treading on water trying to come to terms with my anxiety. There, I said it. I have anxiety.
I'm in a place that I can actually weed out all the reasons why, and come to a pretty clear answer.
I'm struggling with my baby, Noah growing up. He'll be getting his license soon. He'll be done with high school before you know it. Time just isn't cooperating with my wishes.

I know everyone with children go through this, so why does it seem like I'm not handling it as well as most? Well, here's why.

Noah went to his first high school dance this year. We agreed to let him go out to some events for Homecoming. He got a ride home in a car with another teenager. Why is that so bad? Well, to me, it caused so much anxiety, I had a panic attack. Now stop laughing at me. Seriously, the thought of him going out with friends, riding in a car with kids, and staying out late triggered something so deep inside me I couldn't control it. Why? Well, this is where the deep, deep mourning of Thomas has decided to come out. I'm so scared. I'm scared the police are going to come to my door and tell me there's been an accident and I'm going to lose another child. I'm not crazy, this is what anxiety does to me. I never really mourned Thomas's death. How could I? I had two girls to take care of. I had a family, a life, and everything and everyone around me went on......while I never really did, in my heart of hearts. You know the famous line......"I'm fine".

I've sat Noah down and talked to him about it. I mean honestly, how can he not think my actions are portraying a lack of trust I have for him. I do trust him. I know he's a great kid. I know he'll always remember the same thing I always told the girls.......no matter where you are, no matter what you're doing, just remember, Jesus is right there next to you.......so think about your actions. I've explained to him, it's me. This is my inner demon to deal with.

I feel the need to do things on my own time, in my own way. Sometimes I feel I give off the wrong vibe by declining certain events...I just wish I could say, sorry, I'm dealing with some stuff right now that is causing me to do things the way I do them. I say no, a lot. And, please don't take it personal.

So what am I hoping to gain from this blog post? Nothing really. I just want you to know that we all struggle. We all have triggers. We all have reasons for the way we are. Stop judging people and making your own assumptions of why they act the way they do. Here I am, seventeen years after the death of my son, finding the grief seeping out and causing me anxiety. The majority of people struggle with something.......Be nice.....treat everyone as if they're struggling.....sometimes just an understanding smile is all we need.