RETIREMENT BEGINS.....

I just got home from driving Noah to school. No big deal, right? WRONG! As he got out of the car I started bawling. Literally.....bawling. That was the last time I'll be driving my kids to school. Yes, there will be times in the next Junior and Senior year he'll bum a ride from me.....but, the last time before he NEEDS me to drive him to school. He will be driving himself. You may think this is no big deal, but listen....I've been driving my kids to school, mostly private schools, that are quite a distance away, for 25 YEARS!

I am feeling loss. Loss of all those wonderful conversations, laughs, tears, praying, bible verse learning, test quizzing, and singing. It is finished. Twenty-five years.....can you imagine? Some might be relieved....accomplished, but not me. I'm literally sad. I've spent so many years and hours in my car with my kids....that honestly, a lot of our best memories are in a car.

We've traveled to Fort Atkinson, Mukwonago, Nashotah, Hartland, and lastly Palmyra. From that first day till now, I've cherished it all. I've complained a lot, but I've cherished a lot. Here's some of my most memorable ones.....and trust me, there's lots more, but here's the few that come to my mind immediately.

Noah was going to LCCA in Nashotah. I was crying because the song, He's My Son, came on the radio. I told Noah I was sad because it made me think of losing Thomas, and I proceeded to tell him stories about Thomas and how losing him has completely changed me. He started tearing up and I thought I finally got his little soul to understand the gravity of loss. He said, I know exactly how you feel mama, its like when I lost Derby! Yes, losing our pets is horrible, and to his little mind, it was the only loss he'd every experienced.....but I was like........oh Noah, you have no idea.

Getting pulled over in Dousman because I was speeding. Noah and I were coming home from his Christian school, where I also worked as a Kindergarten aide, and the cop felt sorry for me because I had such a great driving record and changed it to squealing tires because it would be less points (something about a moving violation)....and I told him I couldn't have my name in the paper for squealing tires because I worked at the Christian school! It was funny at the time....

Driving with my girls to Fort Atkinson and throwing a banana out the window, just to see if the peel was still there the following day. Driving with the windows down in the freezing weather with the heat on high pretending we lived in Florida. Singing as loud as we could to songs that were probably not the most appropriate, while sending them into the little Christian schools. Driving in weather that made me cry, on roads that were terrible. Playing the "give me the "high and low" of your day game.

Driving the girls to school while Thomas was going through chemo, having to stop FAST so he could puke out the door instead of in the bucket we carried all the time so it wouldn't smell like puke in the car. Driving home and Jess decided she needed to puke, and proceeded to puke out the window while managing to get puke all down the window seal so every time I rolled the window up or down, there was remnants of her....(I still to this day can't figure out how she did that and Thomas never got puke in my car)....

Rushing home from school in Fort Atkinson so Meg could milk cows at age 10! Mac taking the kids to school while towing Sean and the kids couldn't understand why Uncle Sean was following them to school so closely. Dropping Noah off for his 1st day of 1st grade and then driving up to Green Bay to take Meg to her first year of college!

I cannot tell you how many bible verses and spelling words we practiced in the car. I hope all the kids I carpooled remember they got those A's from all the help I gave them in the car! lol

So as you're driving your kids to school, remember, you're making memories....cherish it. It goes so fast, and then they won't need you as much. You will miss this. I already do.

What's Your Coffee Cup Telling You?

Time for me to write another heart felt blog...I have battled in my head for days whether to post it or not, but writing always makes me feel a bit better, and I do appreciate the feedback from my listeners, so here ya go.......another raw "me  moment".

Two things came to my mind as I looked down at my coffee cup this morning. 

1) Is it half empty? Or, is it half full?
2) Then there's the lipstick on the rim.

Sounds strange, but I had this analogy from that one image. I've fallen into a slump, and I'm trying to dig my way out. I know it's all about how I look at things, optimistically, or to be pessimistic. Each day, or lately, each hour, I have to consciously make that choice. 
April sucks for me. This is the month my 6 year old Thomas died in my arms, from brain cancer in 2001. 
My slump of April started before this, but this will only compound my heavy heart. 

Now look at the lipstick analogy on the rim of my coffee cup. This reminded me that I still got it. I actually put lipstick on this morning, that's a positive, self realization,  that I care for myself. 
With all that said, remember we're worth it. Sometimes things aren't perfect, and things can be really hard and take longer to work through. 

My doctor told me over a year ago, if you're hiding grief in there, it's gonna find a way to seep out. I've tried to ignore it for so long, and it makes me feel weak to admit it. I'm always the strong one, at least that's what I've made everyone around me to believe. 

As Moms and Dad, when you lose a child and have other children, you gotta be the strong one, gotta keep holding it all together to keep the children you have left in your care, safe, cared for, nurtured, and loved. Then, one day you find yourself in a big old dose of reality. You've raised those kids, they're okay, they are healthy, strong, good, God fearing people. Then, you see that they're good, but you are not. 
The cliche' of, "it gets easier"  isn't always the truth. Your health, physically and mentally has taken a beating from the inside, and now the scars are too big to keep safe tucked away. They start showing. The grief takes on false identities....such as physical pain, sleeplessness, anger, irritability, sadness.....all things that are trying to mask what is really wrong. 
I recognize it now. I think I always did. My problem is/was, I'm strong enough to do this alone, or, it'll pass. 

So, if you're feeling grief from a loss, don't be afraid to admit it. Don't wait 18 years to realize it's okay. I'm fortunate to have a well grounded support system around me. After all, I raised these kids........😉....

Quiet, Loud, and Post-It Notes

Today at the gym I was reflecting on the previous week I had. It wasn't a good week. In fact, it was awful. Not like life or death, but just plan ick, and depressing. 

We all paint these pictures of who we want everyone to see. But do you ever just wish you could say what you really want to say without any judgement or feedback? Sometimes it just feels good to say something, without anyone responding at all. We live in a world that is so politically correct and so sensitive that you really have to think about what you say, and the consequences that could follow. I find that sad. It makes me harbor, and store my feelings, that should really get out or they'll eat me alive. 

So how do I cope?

 I often tell Mac, I feel like I have a million post-it notes scattered in my head, can I please read them all to you to just get them out?

I have to let things out, but it doesn't necessarily mean I want opinions, or advice.

I'm a very private person actually. You'd probably never guess that.....I mean, why do I write this blog and tell you my innermost feelings? Why does it look like I post my private life on social media? To be honest and fair, I don't share my most private life, and I have to always critique what I write to protect those dear too me. I have my own inner thoughts, and inner demons, that I deal with every single day.  

I share what I choose to share. I have ways and resources to say things I need to say, in a private way. For those of you in that inner circle, you know who you are. <3

But this isn't even my point. My point is, what do you do to let all those inner battles out? Life can suck, life can really be hard and be quite exhausting. At least to me it can be. If I don't channel myself into positive habits to even the pendulum, sometimes its hard to get back on my own two feet. But I always do, whether through humor, my bible, my family....or wine. 

For instance.....my week last week, it was very rough. I was in a dark, deep place that made me feel worthless and sad. 

When I'm feeling like that I turn to music, or I cry. I let myself feel sorry for myself, just for that moment, however long it has to last. I cocoon myself into my own private shell.....or hell, whatever you want to call it. I literally spent my time listing to the Casting Crowns "Lifesong" playlist for the last week. There's a few songs on that album (am I suppose to say album anymore), that hit me so hard and helped me realize its okay. I have made it up out of this hole, and I am stronger in the end. because of it. 

I'm not afraid to say I have a very strong faith in Jesus Christ. I'm also not afraid to say some days I love listening to Seether, or Theory of A Deadman...loud. But some days I need that Casting Crowns or Big Daddy Weave, also loud. Most weekends I have a glass (or two) of wine. I try to be kind to everyone I meet, and I try to spread kindness whenever possible, but I'm human, a honest human. 

I want you to know its okay to be real, to be honest, and to lose it every now and then. I'm not looking for pity. I'm not looking for sympathy. I'm showing you that I am real. I am honest. I lose it every now and then. For me, I find a good playlist to cry to, to mend whatever is ailing me, or to just listen to. If you find yourself in that place, try the playlist I mentioned above. It helps me work through my feelings with the reminder Christ is my backbone. 

I'm not really sure what the point of this blog is, but it helped me express more of who I am to you. 

Whether you're having a good day, a bad day, a good week, or a bad week.....keep yourself in check, and find ways to channel those emotions to come out to the light at the end of the tunnel. 

I'm thankful for the feedback I get. I'm thankful for you reading this. I'm thankful we don't have to go through this alone. 

Psycho Mom

So lately a lot of issues have been arising that haven't had to be addressed since my girls were about 16 years old. Its been nice to closet those feelings of insecurity for me, but now I have to revisit the fear and anxiety of having an almost 16 year old teenage boy in my midst. 

Yep, Noah's driving. And yep, my kids have pretty much called me psycho mom since the beginning of time due to my own insecurities of all that CAN go wrong, and, in my mind, WILL go wrong. 
I know my "psycho-ness" comes from the past of losing a child, but sometimes I do take it a tad too far. For example, we have some rules....rules that were enforced to Jess and Meg, and I expect them to still be viable rules for Noah. But, it seems Mac and Noah aren't agreeing wholeheartedly on my enforcement. 
#1 You will not ride in a car with another teenage driver. Okay, I don't think this is a bad rule. But every now and then situations occur that do require some driving assistance and it only makes sense to use another driver. We have a kid that works for us on the farm. Love him, great kid. He drives here everyday after school to work for us. Yet, I still pick up Noah from school. So, am I being unreasonable? Well, I have other feelings associated with this, and I feel justified. I have ONE school year left to drive my baby to school.....NO ONE will take that away from me. This is it, my last kid, my last year of being "needed" for transportation! So where the psycho mom comes in this scenario is that I've always had "the talk" with any kid that drives my kid around. I tell them, look, I like you. I trust you. But, I'm living in fear, almost daily, of the police coming to my door telling me there's been an accident. Please remember this every time you drive. My whole existence is riding in your car. Luckily, any kid I've had this talk with says "I understand". 

#2 You will not allow any other kids to ride with you when you first get your license. 
My reasoning here is simple. Teenagers are teenagers. I was one. I know how exciting it is to drive! But, man, when I wanna find that song, or I wanna text that other friend, or I wanna snap so and so.....YIKES! New, inexperienced drivers need to focus 100% of attention on the road and being defensive drivers. Its not you so much I worry about, its the other drivers that aren't paying attention. 

Trust me, there's lots more rules, but these are the only two I'm addressing in this blog. 

SO....where am I going with all this. I had a huge revelation yesterday. Mac and I took a day trip to get some parts in Indiana and I spent my time reading. (duh). I'm reading the book "Unglued" by Lysa Terkeurst. I literally got to chapter 6 and from that moment on I thought she was writing the book solely for my benefit. It spoke to me. 
You know that sermon most of us have with our kids when they walk out the door? The "don't drink, don't smoke, be good, don't drive fast" sermon? Well, she explained what her family does. Instead of the sermon, they say 4 fours to their children when they walk out the door. 

Remember Who You Are

What it means is this (her definition here, filled in with my name). Remember, you are a Dempsey, and a good name is better than all the riches in the world. And even more importantly than that, remember you are a child of God, holy and dearly loved, whom God has set apart for a mighty plan. There ain't nothing in this world worth trading that for. (Lysa Terkeurst)

I LOVE this! It gave me some much needed peace and a calm that I knew I needed to hear. I sat Noah down this morning and asked him, would you rather hear this, or my usual sermon? You know his answer!.....(anything is better than my sermonettes).

 Then I put his name in the sentence and told him, this is what I mean every time I go into psycho mom mode. He knows. All my kids know. But here's a way to be a bit softer, and in the big picture, a bit wiser and kinder about how I deal with MY insecurities. 

So that's it. I only write when something big hits me and needs to be spoken. This, I felt, needed to be spoken. There's so many of us parents that deal with anxiety and insecurities about kids and growing up.....even if it helps one other Mom to feel a bit more at peace about it.....I've done my job. 

Remember who you are..........<3

Yikes.....its personal

My last blog was in February. WOW. Don't think I haven't had things to say.....I have, plenty of times. Why does life have to be so busy? It seems, even to me, a stay at home mom, without a job outside of the home, I still don't find enough time in the day to do everything that needs to be done.

I always say I only write when something takes over my brain and makes me spill it out. This time, the subject is quite widespread in today's society. Anxiety. This is a tough one to write about because no one wants to admit they have a "mental illness". Anxiety can be crippling. It can take over your day, your week, your year, your life. This is very personal.

I've been treading on water trying to come to terms with my anxiety. There, I said it. I have anxiety.
I'm in a place that I can actually weed out all the reasons why, and come to a pretty clear answer.
I'm struggling with my baby, Noah growing up. He'll be getting his license soon. He'll be done with high school before you know it. Time just isn't cooperating with my wishes.

I know everyone with children go through this, so why does it seem like I'm not handling it as well as most? Well, here's why.

Noah went to his first high school dance this year. We agreed to let him go out to some events for Homecoming. He got a ride home in a car with another teenager. Why is that so bad? Well, to me, it caused so much anxiety, I had a panic attack. Now stop laughing at me. Seriously, the thought of him going out with friends, riding in a car with kids, and staying out late triggered something so deep inside me I couldn't control it. Why? Well, this is where the deep, deep mourning of Thomas has decided to come out. I'm so scared. I'm scared the police are going to come to my door and tell me there's been an accident and I'm going to lose another child. I'm not crazy, this is what anxiety does to me. I never really mourned Thomas's death. How could I? I had two girls to take care of. I had a family, a life, and everything and everyone around me went on......while I never really did, in my heart of hearts. You know the famous line......"I'm fine".

I've sat Noah down and talked to him about it. I mean honestly, how can he not think my actions are portraying a lack of trust I have for him. I do trust him. I know he's a great kid. I know he'll always remember the same thing I always told the girls.......no matter where you are, no matter what you're doing, just remember, Jesus is right there next to you.......so think about your actions. I've explained to him, it's me. This is my inner demon to deal with.

I feel the need to do things on my own time, in my own way. Sometimes I feel I give off the wrong vibe by declining certain events...I just wish I could say, sorry, I'm dealing with some stuff right now that is causing me to do things the way I do them. I say no, a lot. And, please don't take it personal.

So what am I hoping to gain from this blog post? Nothing really. I just want you to know that we all struggle. We all have triggers. We all have reasons for the way we are. Stop judging people and making your own assumptions of why they act the way they do. Here I am, seventeen years after the death of my son, finding the grief seeping out and causing me anxiety. The majority of people struggle with something.......Be nice.....treat everyone as if they're struggling.....sometimes just an understanding smile is all we need.

Grief, its there....and never leaves.

I only blog when something sits in my mind and writes and rewrites itself, waiting to come out. So here I am, the day after the Florida School shooting, reliving some feelings that I want to give a voice to. 

This past week, a local 14 year old boy was killed in a horrible snowmobile accident. My husband knows the family, and I went to school with many of the Jaeckels, so it hits home. This young man was a week apart in age from my Noah. I'm so sad, thinking of the devastation this family is going through. I'd like to say, "I don't know how you feel, I don't know what I'd do".....but unfortunately I do know what they feel. I know that feeling of burying your child. It will change their lives forever. 

Now what I'm about to say, is not meant to offend anyone involved in the school shooting in Florida, and I hope my words come out sensitive and empathetic. I'm not being selfish, I'm only trying to express what went through my mind after Thomas death. 

After my Thomas died, I felt the world sorta stopped for me. I was grieving, and people were grieving with me. Walking out of the visitation we heard sirens. The town of Fort Atkinson lost 4 teens that night in a horrible car accident. Four promising kids leaving a Jefferson County Republican dinner where they were just honored by our Governor. Everything shifted, just like that. Then, the events of September 11th occurred. Our world was under attack, and the whole world was grieving, but not for my loss, but for the loss of all the people killed that horrific day. I was left feeling like, "hey, I'm still missing my boy!" But that isn't how society works. Life and people move on to the next heartbreak. My grief never leaves me. I'm sure every single person that's lost anyone feels the same way, but to me, its my grief....and it affects me the most. Its real, its raw, and its personal. 

What I'm trying to get across is this.......right now, my heart is aching for the Jaeckel family. They had to bury their son, brother, grandson, cousin.....today. But the world is talking about the Florida shooting, while these people are enveloped in the grief that only they know. The world is moving so fast. People seem to forget that life doesn't stop and let you catch up on the next devastating story. 
So when you find yourself face to face with a parent that just lost their child.....give them the respect to honor the memory of that child. Let them know, your mind and heart is focused on them, and their grief. The worse feeling in the world as a parent who has experienced this, is that people will forget. 

Why on earth would you think of my 6 year old son, when the twin towers just collapsed? 
It doesn't mean I don't hurt for all those people, I do. I just wanted the small little world I live in, daily, to remember, I'm here, and Thomas was here. We all grieve in our own way. I'm finding now, 17 years later, I never really grieved in a deep cleansing grief. I couldn't. I had girls to raise. Life went on. But let me tell you, that darkness catches up with you. 

My heart is broken for the Jaeckels. I mean truly breaking. The world is already on to the school shooting.....but I know the cloud they're under, and I'm holding them up in prayer, hoping they find the peace of God that helps me. John sounded like a true child of God, a boy who knew his Savior, and where he would spend eternity. That in itself is a gift of some peace. I encourage Jim and Denise to read I Thessalonians 4:13-18. We will see our boys again. And what a glorious day that will be. 

Keep them in your prayers.....

Kim

Lets get a few things straight......

You know me, I blog when I have things to get off my chest. It's when I feel I write best, and when my emotions control the keyboard. 

Ephesians 2:8  For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God.

Nothing gets my goat more than judgmental people. I don't like pointing fingers, and I don't like anyone bringing those I love down.
Me, myself, am guilty of sin. Me, myself, have made bad decisions in life. Do I feel guilty about some of my decisions? Yes. Do I feel unworthy of God's love? Yes. But ya know what....I'm forgiven. I'm worthy of every gift that has been placed in my life. I alone, am responsible for how I want to deal with my past and present mistakes. Its not anyone's fault but mine. I've been dealt things that I don't wish on anyone...but yet, I know, God has a plan, and his plan is the plan.
My conscience is clear, and my sins wiped clean.
But yet, why do people feel the need to judge others based on a past they know nothing about? Its human nature. It makes those that don't know the scripture feel powerful. Bringing other people down is so easy to do.

You haven't lived in anyone's shoes but your own. So keep your own shoes tied and worry about yourselves.

I'm very proud of my children, what they've overcome, and where their lives are headed. My goal in life was always this.....that they would all have a personal relationship with Jesus. I've done my part, I've raised them to be good, God fearing, God believing people. It wasn't forced on them, it was shown to them, in how I treat people, and how I overcome adversity. I wanted my children to grow up to feel the love of parents, to feel the grace of Jesus, and to know, life is hard, and isn't gonna always go the way they want it to.

Matthew 7:3 And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?

Speaking about people when you shouldn't shows your ignorance, and your immaturity. Why don't we all sit back and try to understand that we're all human, we're all sinners, and we're all accountable for our actions?

Whew, I feel better......and before YOU go and think this is about you, it isn't......its been on my heart and I needed to get it out. My kids need to hear how proud I am of them once in awhile.....