Stop and Smell the Roses

Today when I woke up I told myself I was going to take an hour or so to catch up on my "Jesus Calling" book by Sarah Young. Planning this wedding, doing all the little details left me 7 days behind in my daily book. When I read this morning I felt the Holy Spirit talking to me. I was going to write a Facebook post, but instead thought a blog entry would be more sufficient.

I found so many pages just speaking directly to me. I want to share some of them with you, and hopefully you'll gain some clarity on your own life. Whatever it is we get busy with, remember, God is in control and nothing we do with deviate the path he has chosen for us.

"Do not miss the Joy of My Presence by carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders." Whoa, this one hit me hard......I do this ALL THE TIME. I always carry my own weight, as well as many other people's shoulder weight. That is how I roll. I am a worrier. When I do this, I lose sight of the "Joy of His Presence" that comes from the Lord. I'm too busy trying to fix things out of my control, to sit and acknowledge all the blessings around me.

In Proverbs 31:35, it says, "She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come."

"I am the Firm Foundation on which you can dance and sing and celebrate My Presence. This is My high and holy calling for you; receive it as a precious gift. Glorifying and enjoying Me is a higher priority than maintaining a tidy, structured life. Give up your striving to keep everything under control~an impossible task and a waste of precious energy." This blows my mindset of keeping everything perfect.....I'm guilty. I wanna spend more time singing and dancing than worrying about my dishes being done, or the dust bunny forming under the table.

And finally today's reading (yes, I got caught up), "Wait patiently with Me while I bless you. Don't rush into My Presence with time-consciousness gnawing at your mind. I dwell in timelessness: I am, I was, I will always be. For you, time is a protection; you're a frail creature who can handle only twenty-four-hour segments of life. Time can also be a tyrant, ticking away relentlessly in your mind. Learn to master time, or it will be your master."

So what am I getting to? We have 10 days until the wedding...life is crazy here. I have respect for anyone who has planned a big wedding. Mac and I eloped, Megan and Derek eloped. Are we smarter? I don't know. Jess wanted a big wedding since she was a little girl, and she's gonna be a princess. Weddings are hard, and all the little details make your head spin. I'm going to try to remember what I read today, and slow down and smell the roses.

New Chapter!

Oh my gosh....its almost here! The last day of school. Not just the LAST DAY, but the last day of private school for my last child at home! I've driven carpool for 23 years! Hello, do you know how that wears on a person???? I know, I know, be grateful you were able to send your kids to private schools....I get it. But, seriously, this has been MY LIFE!

Now, its over.
How do I feel about it?

Hmm. First ECSTATIC! I mean come on, I'm adding almost 2 hours of time to my day! Secondly, happy I'll have a bit more money in my pocket. It was always a sacrifice we didn't question, we don't regret it at all.
But this is what I'll miss. I've had countless hours with Noah that will never be replaced. Spending so much time in a car creates communication. We talked, a lot. We sang, we cried, we prayed, we really bonded a lot. I've had that time with my girls as well, when they were little, but with Noah, it was a lot of alone time that is priceless. I've gotten to know my niece Emily a lot better this year....I call her my own. I'm gonna miss that time with her next year!

I went through countless books on tape, which saved my sanity. The kids didn't appreciate my books, but whatever works right? I gained countless reward points from Starbucks, Panera, Great Harvest Bread company, and any other drive thru coffee spot that kept me awake! We went through two mini vans, an Explorer, and now my Flex will be ready to rest awhile.

I'm now gonna be a Palmyra Eagle mom. Noah starts high school this Fall and we're so excited! I'll probably still drive him to school, I can handle the 8 minute drive to town! Piece of cake. We won't even talk about when he gets his license, that's a whole other milestone I'm not ready to face.

So bon voyage to that life, and hello to our new life! I'm so happy to be here.

Life After Loss

Here I am again, with some heavy stuff on my mind. March and April are always hard for me, as 16 years ago this week we were told Thomas had only one month left to live. They were right, he passed on April 18th, 2001, almost 30 days to the date of what they told us.

How has my life changed, or even continued since then? Life does go on, but it's not the same life you had before. Life is precious, life is short, and life is much more meaningful. I've found that I really don't care much about the drama life throws at me, nor do I spend too much time getting involved in things that don't directly affect me. I still pray most days that God give Thomas a little hug for me, and tell him his mama loves him so. Yes, I do that. And yes, I believe that is what God will do.

Noah is approaching the end of his middle school years. Am I sad? Yes, I'm sad that my sweet, little Noah is growing into a sweet, young man, and his baby days are gone. But, I'm so looking forward to see what he makes of his life. He's made us so proud, and I can't thank God enough for Noah, which means, "comfort". I find comfort in all the blessings God has bestowed upon me, and I also have days that I feel sorry for myself.  I feel empathy towards other parents going through what we did, and I pray for so many people that have no idea I pray for them. If I could help one child, or one parent, I would. Noah has been given a gift of empathy, and so the legacy continues.

So what was this particular blog about? I don't know, maybe just a glimmer of hope for a parent who just lost their child. My life is good, my life is humble, but my life also has a few sad chapters in it. I'm sensitive, and I'm strong, and I know all those qualities came from being Thomas' mom for almost 7 years.

Thanks for listening. I appreciate your reading my blog.

Kim

Why I'm Me.....

I haven't blogged in quite awhile, mainly because I only blog when something really hits me between the eye's and I feel my words screaming to come out. This subject has been on my mind and needs to get out, its a serious one, sorry about that.

This past week, I've learned of two children passing away that I didn't know, but knew from third party acquaintances. When the news hit me, it brought back tons of emotions for me. Just knowing what these parents are going through makes my soul cry for them. These families will never be the same. Let me tell you a little bit of what losing a child has done to me personally. Maybe if you have friends or family that have went through this, it will help you understand where they're coming from, and help you when it comes to reading their emotions a little better. 

I often times find myself thinking on the negative side of what can happen, before thinking of the positive side. After losing Thomas, now with my other kids I'm very over-protective. If the kids are not at home, they've for sure been in an accident, or worse, in my mind. I'm a bit over-protective, somewhat psycho, as they would say, lol. You can ask them, it's true. I will never change, no matter how old they are. I specifically remember having this conversation with Mac. I told him, I figured it out why I'm like this....you can't tell me to change and say, everything will be fine, because in my experience, everything wasn't fine. I know from Thomas, things didn't work out as planned. So you can't tell me it's gonna be okay. I'm the percentage of people that proved things can go wrong. I'm an over-protective mother, and my mindset will not be reprogrammed. I'm the same way with Mac. I always expect the worse is going to happen. I'm a worrier. 

Most days I'm very happy and content just being by myself. I love my family, I love the life the Lord has given me, but inside I'm always thinking of where my life would be if my son was still here with us. I look at kids that would be his age and daydream about him. Sometimes it just easier just living in my own little bubble. Just because I'm not smiling all the time doesn't mean I'm not happy, I just exist in a world that is sometimes different than yours. Look at your child next to you, now imagine him or her being plucked away from you after battling a horrible disease for 4 years? Would you smile all the time? Would you be the same person you are today? Imagine looking at every room in your home as you walk through it every single day knowing that child used to be there, but never will again. Strange isn't it? 

I'm not crazy, I'm just part of group many of you will never be in, and I hope you never will be. You will never know what this feels like. 

I just felt like telling this story today because of the two families I heard about this week. I'm praying about them constantly, I pray that God envelopes them in a peace that comforts them beyond all measure. I also pray that their families will somehow understand the silence that their souls will now take on, and not take it personally, because they're now part of this private club. 

MY UNIVERSITY

This past Halloween weekend we took Noah out for pizza in Whitewater. I was shocked at the amount of people already out and about partying at 4:30 in the afternoon! On our way to our favorite pizza spot, we avoided 2 piles of vomit on the sidewalk. Yuck. I guess I don't get the whole college scene, I never went to college. Wait, back up the train. No college? Nope. Crazy eh? Before you rush to judgement, let me explain.

I sometimes get self conscience about saying I didn't attend college. I did receive a scholarship to attend business school in Madison for becoming a court reporter, which was always my "dream job". Then I started working at a great job until something else happened....Jessica. Let me explain to you the college I attended, and continue to take.

We all make choices, and we have to live by those choices. I choose Motherhood. Do I regret this choice? Not a chance. I've given birth to 4 incredible kids. The lessons I've been taught from them is priceless, and would not be taught in a classroom. I commend everyone who goes to school, furthers their education, and makes the world a better place. But, we also need Mothers.

Jessica was my first. She taught me selflessness. Once you have a child, its no longer about "you". Your world is about that child. You can't be selfish. From that moment on, you are to care for, nurture, and make sure that child has a clear vision of what's ahead. I consider this my "freshman year".

Megan was second and the most challenging child. She was always teaching me patience. From the time she was in diapers, refusing to keep them on, I had to learn patience. I learned how to duct tape diapers on backwards, I learned early on how to control my temper. Having to call 911 because you think your 5 year old is missing is a horrible experience. But it was only Megan, hiding. She also taught me to laugh. Her mixture of humor infused with learning patience at the same time made her a complete joy! Now she is expecting her first child in March! I call this my "sophomore year".

Thomas was my third child. My hardest and most difficult "class" ever taken. This is a class I didn't sign up taking. Not many people take this class, and I almost failed at this class. But I passed, by the help of my family, and my faith. Thomas taught me loss. Learning how to deal with the loss of a child and how to go on is a tough lesson. With loss, he also taught me how to be strong. After that class I feel I can conquer anything.  I call this my "junior year".

I'm now in my "senior year". Noah. This child was given to me as a gift. I know he was a gift. I never expected to have another child after Thomas. Noah translated means "comfort". He has brought me nothing but that. So, what has he taught me? I think I worked hard my freshman through Junior year and God is blessing me my Senior year. I'm coasting through my Senior year. Is that wrong? Yes, life is tough, busy, and sometimes out of control. But Noah is a blessing I cherish and take all the comfort he is given to me. So Noah is teaching me to slow down, enjoy this life that the Lord has given me as a Mom and provider for my kids. I may not have contributed to the world, but I've contributed to the lives of these 4 kids, and that makes me feel like I've earned the diploma I was made to have.

And guess what? In March I'm starting Grad School! I'm gonna be a Grandma.....

To all the stay at home Moms....kudos....be proud of who you are! And to all the working Moms....I don't know how you do it, but the world needs a little bit of all of us.

Blessed

Yesterday, Mac and I were taking a long ride through the woods. I was telling him how I wish we could trap time and just do "fun stuff" for the rest of our lives. Of course most people feel that way, who doesn't want to have a life that's one big party? Then he goes into his speech of, "If I didn't work, we wouldn't have the toys we have." I know.

He then went a little deeper and said, "I bet so and so (no names as to not get anyone in trouble) isn't on a trail ride today with his wife." I was a little confused. He said how much he enjoys "our time" together. I was taken aback, as he's not a mushy kinda guy. We talked about all the things we want to do together. All the places we want to go. Then of course, we got on the subject of Noah. He'll be older soon, and it'll be just us. We also talked about our faith in God. Our foundation. So many couples have problems, even Christians. But without our faith, I don't think we would be where we are today. We are so blessed. 

Neither of us said anymore for a bit.

I'm a deep thinker, and a big worrier, always have been. I was thinking to myself, what a blessing it is to be sitting next to your best friend just enjoying life. Then my worry kicked in. What if one of us gets sick? What if one of us doesn't live to the retirement years? I've seen unexpected death. Thomas died at the age of 6, so anything can happen. It just made me realize, life is so short. Life is so unrehearsed. Life is cruel, and life is wonderful. What would I do without him by my side? 

So my thought on this day? Really try to focus on the now. Focus on what is important. I've come to the conclusion, I need to worry less about what other people think of me. I only need to worry about my family, and my husband. That is what's important. If we are in harmony with each other, life is wonderful. I will try to remember, life can be taken away from you at any minute. So be happy. Surprise the love of your life with laughter and companionship everyday. It is so worth it.

Five Kids!

I wasn't sure how to approach this subject, its on a more serious note this time. I've thought about this so many times, but as I contemplated what to blog about this time, this is the only subject that kept coming into my thoughts.  I don't blog daily, just because when I do blog, I want it to really come from my heart and not something I have to force out.

While on vacation last week, we experienced the best of everything. I mean, come on, traveling with one child is amazing.....less money, smaller rooms, no fighting between siblings, you get it. Its nice and quiet.

We were watching Noah swim in a hotel pool on our last night, and the pool area was CrAzY! Each family had at least 3-4 kids, and they were all screaming. The acoustics were nuts, the pool chlorine was blinding, and it was just "yuck."
Mac and I sat there giving each other that "get me outta here" look.
But, as a parent, you sacrifice so your kid has a good time. Noah gets it, he gets us, and said he was about done. Wink. wink.

A lady approached me and said, "you really have it easy!" This isn't the first time parents have said this to me. I never know what to say. Sometimes my mood is just looking for a release and I let them have it. Other times I just say, "yes, I do."

This brings me to my subject. Why are they looking at me and judging me because I have only one child with me at this particular time? Do strangers know me? Do you really know me? There was a time I had 3 children under the age of 6, and one of them was battling a terminal disease. I was driving every single day to Madison for chemo treatments, radiation treatments, and trying to hold it together for the other two. I have flashbacks of pulling my three little ones in one red wagon around the 4-mile block! I have no idea how I did that, its hard enough now doing it alone! lol

Mac and I also lost a baby due to a tubal pregnancy. So do I say to these unaware people, listen....I have 5 children. And then have to explain to them my life history? No.

I was getting a pedicure a few days ago, and an older lady was sitting next to me and we started talking. She was saying how wonderful it was to be out. As we divulged more into our lives, she said she was getting ready to have her 2nd round of chemo. Which, as I know, will leave her in the house for days avoiding any type of germs, because her immune system is shot.  I then told her about Thomas and she was so heartbroken for my loss. But really, I was just as heartbroken for her. She said to me, ya know, people have no idea what each other has been through. This brought me back to my own thoughts. She said her life has really been humbled and changed due to her diagnosis. Gosh, do I get this!

So, what's my point? Look around you. Look at all the people you don't know anything about, yet you're making judgement's about them. There is always someone out there who has it a little rougher, if not a lot rougher. So give people a break. Smile. Your smile might be just what they need at that particular moment.