Psycho Mom

So lately a lot of issues have been arising that haven't had to be addressed since my girls were about 16 years old. Its been nice to closet those feelings of insecurity for me, but now I have to revisit the fear and anxiety of having an almost 16 year old teenage boy in my midst. 

Yep, Noah's driving. And yep, my kids have pretty much called me psycho mom since the beginning of time due to my own insecurities of all that CAN go wrong, and, in my mind, WILL go wrong. 
I know my "psycho-ness" comes from the past of losing a child, but sometimes I do take it a tad too far. For example, we have some rules....rules that were enforced to Jess and Meg, and I expect them to still be viable rules for Noah. But, it seems Mac and Noah aren't agreeing wholeheartedly on my enforcement. 
#1 You will not ride in a car with another teenage driver. Okay, I don't think this is a bad rule. But every now and then situations occur that do require some driving assistance and it only makes sense to use another driver. We have a kid that works for us on the farm. Love him, great kid. He drives here everyday after school to work for us. Yet, I still pick up Noah from school. So, am I being unreasonable? Well, I have other feelings associated with this, and I feel justified. I have ONE school year left to drive my baby to school.....NO ONE will take that away from me. This is it, my last kid, my last year of being "needed" for transportation! So where the psycho mom comes in this scenario is that I've always had "the talk" with any kid that drives my kid around. I tell them, look, I like you. I trust you. But, I'm living in fear, almost daily, of the police coming to my door telling me there's been an accident. Please remember this every time you drive. My whole existence is riding in your car. Luckily, any kid I've had this talk with says "I understand". 

#2 You will not allow any other kids to ride with you when you first get your license. 
My reasoning here is simple. Teenagers are teenagers. I was one. I know how exciting it is to drive! But, man, when I wanna find that song, or I wanna text that other friend, or I wanna snap so and so.....YIKES! New, inexperienced drivers need to focus 100% of attention on the road and being defensive drivers. Its not you so much I worry about, its the other drivers that aren't paying attention. 

Trust me, there's lots more rules, but these are the only two I'm addressing in this blog. 

SO....where am I going with all this. I had a huge revelation yesterday. Mac and I took a day trip to get some parts in Indiana and I spent my time reading. (duh). I'm reading the book "Unglued" by Lysa Terkeurst. I literally got to chapter 6 and from that moment on I thought she was writing the book solely for my benefit. It spoke to me. 
You know that sermon most of us have with our kids when they walk out the door? The "don't drink, don't smoke, be good, don't drive fast" sermon? Well, she explained what her family does. Instead of the sermon, they say 4 fours to their children when they walk out the door. 

Remember Who You Are

What it means is this (her definition here, filled in with my name). Remember, you are a Dempsey, and a good name is better than all the riches in the world. And even more importantly than that, remember you are a child of God, holy and dearly loved, whom God has set apart for a mighty plan. There ain't nothing in this world worth trading that for. (Lysa Terkeurst)

I LOVE this! It gave me some much needed peace and a calm that I knew I needed to hear. I sat Noah down this morning and asked him, would you rather hear this, or my usual sermon? You know his answer!.....(anything is better than my sermonettes).

 Then I put his name in the sentence and told him, this is what I mean every time I go into psycho mom mode. He knows. All my kids know. But here's a way to be a bit softer, and in the big picture, a bit wiser and kinder about how I deal with MY insecurities. 

So that's it. I only write when something big hits me and needs to be spoken. This, I felt, needed to be spoken. There's so many of us parents that deal with anxiety and insecurities about kids and growing up.....even if it helps one other Mom to feel a bit more at peace about it.....I've done my job. 

Remember who you are..........<3

Yikes.....its personal

My last blog was in February. WOW. Don't think I haven't had things to say.....I have, plenty of times. Why does life have to be so busy? It seems, even to me, a stay at home mom, without a job outside of the home, I still don't find enough time in the day to do everything that needs to be done.

I always say I only write when something takes over my brain and makes me spill it out. This time, the subject is quite widespread in today's society. Anxiety. This is a tough one to write about because no one wants to admit they have a "mental illness". Anxiety can be crippling. It can take over your day, your week, your year, your life. This is very personal.

I've been treading on water trying to come to terms with my anxiety. There, I said it. I have anxiety.
I'm in a place that I can actually weed out all the reasons why, and come to a pretty clear answer.
I'm struggling with my baby, Noah growing up. He'll be getting his license soon. He'll be done with high school before you know it. Time just isn't cooperating with my wishes.

I know everyone with children go through this, so why does it seem like I'm not handling it as well as most? Well, here's why.

Noah went to his first high school dance this year. We agreed to let him go out to some events for Homecoming. He got a ride home in a car with another teenager. Why is that so bad? Well, to me, it caused so much anxiety, I had a panic attack. Now stop laughing at me. Seriously, the thought of him going out with friends, riding in a car with kids, and staying out late triggered something so deep inside me I couldn't control it. Why? Well, this is where the deep, deep mourning of Thomas has decided to come out. I'm so scared. I'm scared the police are going to come to my door and tell me there's been an accident and I'm going to lose another child. I'm not crazy, this is what anxiety does to me. I never really mourned Thomas's death. How could I? I had two girls to take care of. I had a family, a life, and everything and everyone around me went on......while I never really did, in my heart of hearts. You know the famous line......"I'm fine".

I've sat Noah down and talked to him about it. I mean honestly, how can he not think my actions are portraying a lack of trust I have for him. I do trust him. I know he's a great kid. I know he'll always remember the same thing I always told the girls.......no matter where you are, no matter what you're doing, just remember, Jesus is right there next to you.......so think about your actions. I've explained to him, it's me. This is my inner demon to deal with.

I feel the need to do things on my own time, in my own way. Sometimes I feel I give off the wrong vibe by declining certain events...I just wish I could say, sorry, I'm dealing with some stuff right now that is causing me to do things the way I do them. I say no, a lot. And, please don't take it personal.

So what am I hoping to gain from this blog post? Nothing really. I just want you to know that we all struggle. We all have triggers. We all have reasons for the way we are. Stop judging people and making your own assumptions of why they act the way they do. Here I am, seventeen years after the death of my son, finding the grief seeping out and causing me anxiety. The majority of people struggle with something.......Be nice.....treat everyone as if they're struggling.....sometimes just an understanding smile is all we need.

Grief, its there....and never leaves.

I only blog when something sits in my mind and writes and rewrites itself, waiting to come out. So here I am, the day after the Florida School shooting, reliving some feelings that I want to give a voice to. 

This past week, a local 14 year old boy was killed in a horrible snowmobile accident. My husband knows the family, and I went to school with many of the Jaeckels, so it hits home. This young man was a week apart in age from my Noah. I'm so sad, thinking of the devastation this family is going through. I'd like to say, "I don't know how you feel, I don't know what I'd do".....but unfortunately I do know what they feel. I know that feeling of burying your child. It will change their lives forever. 

Now what I'm about to say, is not meant to offend anyone involved in the school shooting in Florida, and I hope my words come out sensitive and empathetic. I'm not being selfish, I'm only trying to express what went through my mind after Thomas death. 

After my Thomas died, I felt the world sorta stopped for me. I was grieving, and people were grieving with me. Walking out of the visitation we heard sirens. The town of Fort Atkinson lost 4 teens that night in a horrible car accident. Four promising kids leaving a Jefferson County Republican dinner where they were just honored by our Governor. Everything shifted, just like that. Then, the events of September 11th occurred. Our world was under attack, and the whole world was grieving, but not for my loss, but for the loss of all the people killed that horrific day. I was left feeling like, "hey, I'm still missing my boy!" But that isn't how society works. Life and people move on to the next heartbreak. My grief never leaves me. I'm sure every single person that's lost anyone feels the same way, but to me, its my grief....and it affects me the most. Its real, its raw, and its personal. 

What I'm trying to get across is this.......right now, my heart is aching for the Jaeckel family. They had to bury their son, brother, grandson, cousin.....today. But the world is talking about the Florida shooting, while these people are enveloped in the grief that only they know. The world is moving so fast. People seem to forget that life doesn't stop and let you catch up on the next devastating story. 
So when you find yourself face to face with a parent that just lost their child.....give them the respect to honor the memory of that child. Let them know, your mind and heart is focused on them, and their grief. The worse feeling in the world as a parent who has experienced this, is that people will forget. 

Why on earth would you think of my 6 year old son, when the twin towers just collapsed? 
It doesn't mean I don't hurt for all those people, I do. I just wanted the small little world I live in, daily, to remember, I'm here, and Thomas was here. We all grieve in our own way. I'm finding now, 17 years later, I never really grieved in a deep cleansing grief. I couldn't. I had girls to raise. Life went on. But let me tell you, that darkness catches up with you. 

My heart is broken for the Jaeckels. I mean truly breaking. The world is already on to the school shooting.....but I know the cloud they're under, and I'm holding them up in prayer, hoping they find the peace of God that helps me. John sounded like a true child of God, a boy who knew his Savior, and where he would spend eternity. That in itself is a gift of some peace. I encourage Jim and Denise to read I Thessalonians 4:13-18. We will see our boys again. And what a glorious day that will be. 

Keep them in your prayers.....

Kim

Lets get a few things straight......

You know me, I blog when I have things to get off my chest. It's when I feel I write best, and when my emotions control the keyboard. 

Ephesians 2:8  For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God.

Nothing gets my goat more than judgmental people. I don't like pointing fingers, and I don't like anyone bringing those I love down.
Me, myself, am guilty of sin. Me, myself, have made bad decisions in life. Do I feel guilty about some of my decisions? Yes. Do I feel unworthy of God's love? Yes. But ya know what....I'm forgiven. I'm worthy of every gift that has been placed in my life. I alone, am responsible for how I want to deal with my past and present mistakes. Its not anyone's fault but mine. I've been dealt things that I don't wish on anyone...but yet, I know, God has a plan, and his plan is the plan.
My conscience is clear, and my sins wiped clean.
But yet, why do people feel the need to judge others based on a past they know nothing about? Its human nature. It makes those that don't know the scripture feel powerful. Bringing other people down is so easy to do.

You haven't lived in anyone's shoes but your own. So keep your own shoes tied and worry about yourselves.

I'm very proud of my children, what they've overcome, and where their lives are headed. My goal in life was always this.....that they would all have a personal relationship with Jesus. I've done my part, I've raised them to be good, God fearing, God believing people. It wasn't forced on them, it was shown to them, in how I treat people, and how I overcome adversity. I wanted my children to grow up to feel the love of parents, to feel the grace of Jesus, and to know, life is hard, and isn't gonna always go the way they want it to.

Matthew 7:3 And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?

Speaking about people when you shouldn't shows your ignorance, and your immaturity. Why don't we all sit back and try to understand that we're all human, we're all sinners, and we're all accountable for our actions?

Whew, I feel better......and before YOU go and think this is about you, it isn't......its been on my heart and I needed to get it out. My kids need to hear how proud I am of them once in awhile.....

Week 4.....REAL (real) FACE TIME....

So here it is, time for Week 4 of my Real Face Time Blog. Well, I'm gonna be honest here......not really feeling the face time blog at the moment....I'm in a rut, and I was about to just skip it this week, but then I thought, I'm not the only one. People have days, even weeks when they feel off. So I'm owning it and just going with the flow. I'm crabby, and tired, and ready for Fall to begin.

First off, did you do your Week 3 assignment? I did contact my "person" and we are planning a wine/coffee date soon!  Life gets in the way, and we both have things going on, so as soon as I get home from vacation we're on! I'm not going to write who, or any details till it happens! I'm so excited to meet with her! Its been over 20 years!! This will be the highlight of my Face Time idea!!

Okay, so why am I feeling so blah? Well, its the end of summer, and I get out of sorts when this time comes around. I'm definitely a routine person, and I've had enough of unscheduled chaos. Yesterday we registered Noah for High School....yes.....HIGH SCHOOL! This in itself should depress me. My baby boy is now a freshman in high school and I feel OLD. I'm not ready to give up my "Beverly Goldberg" parenting. Secondly, we haven't had a vacation at all yet this summer. Been nowhere. Hopefully we'll get our trip in soon, cause I'm losing it. Farming this year has sucked majorly...the rain set us back at least a month and therefore, our summer reflects that. So, until I get Mac to drive out the driveway, I'm gonna keep Kimplaining.

So as you see the end of summer approaching, try to get out there and make some contacts. Face to face contacts.....it really is a nice way to perk up your life in the social media world.

Have a good rest of the week and weekend!

Week 3.....REAL FACE TIME!

Sorry, we missed a week.....life....ya know, gets a bit out of control and I get lost in it.

Did you do your Week 2 assignment? I sent a package to a family member with a handwritten note in it. I choose my brother Brian who lives in Indiana.....well worth the time and effort....its the little things!

So , are you like me and you find that Summer of 2017 is almost done? I am kinda depressed that it feels as if I haven't experienced Summer yet. August will be on the calendar tomorrow! I know it has a lot to do with the wedding, and the fact we haven't been on vacation yet. Hoping that changes in the next few weeks....I need to get outta here for awhile.

So what I'm planning on doing this week is a bit more "outta my box" type of assignment.

We all have "those close friends" on Facebook that we consider our close friend, yet, when is the last time you actually had a face to face conversation with them? Five, Ten, Twenty years???
I'm going to contact someone on my friend list that I haven't seen probably since high school! WHOA, tough one eh? I'm gonna do it. At least I'm going to contact this person and make plans for a coffee or wine date. This might be a tough one, but I'm hoping you're in! Wanna get some extra credit? Make a date with more than one person! Maybe a girls get-together? Let me know what you do!

Can't wait to share with you how it goes!

Until next week......get out there and make some REAL FACE TIME time!

Welcome to my Week 2 "Real Face Time" blog!

Did you do Week 1? Did you call up a neighbor and spend some time together? I did! It was awesome. I called up my friend Leslie. Her and I sat and had the best time! We even included our daughters! I went to bed that night feeling refreshed and our friendship renewed.

There's just something about face to face communication that a simple text can't relay. I highly encourage you to read last weeks post and start your own face to face assignment!

So what am I doing for Week 2? 

This week (and I'm sorry we're halfway through it already), I decided I was going to send a package to a family member with a handwritten letter/note card enclosed. The gift doesn't have to be an extravagant gift....just something that lets them know you're thinking of them. I chose my brother Brian, who lives in Indiana. I sent him a T-shirt that he had commented on, on Facebook, that he liked. I wrote a nice little card with it, telling him some mushy stuff and sent it off.

I got a phone call from him thanking me for the gift and nice card! Not a text, a phone call! Making progress here people!!

So, there ya go......Week 2.........Send a small package to a family member with a handwritten note. Are you in?

Have a wonderful week!